July 19, 2016
 
Tuesday night, God talked to me through the song "Not Guilty" sung by Ate Charry.  I was weeping but I did not understand the sermons preached since they got here.  After Bro Claude's preaching that night, Bro Larry talked to me. However, I couldn't explain to him what happened, I felt so broken. He asked me to write down what I think happened and submit my testimony to him.
 
The next night I tried to write what I know. Service that night was preached by Bro Terry.  He preached out of Hebrews 4:12-13.  In all honesty I did not understand anything because of the language barrier.  I do not speak English well.
 
Aedrian submitted his testimony that night, the preachers confirmed he got saved.  I was so nervous.  I greeted him through text and he said he's praying for me and Chloe to be saved too.
 
July 21
Thursday morning, while at work I was still thinking if I got saved or not.  I got a text message from Tita Faith saying Chloe got saved, it made me more anxious. I couldn't concentrate at work, I was waiting for someone to text me.  Then I got a message from Cathy Tapia. She said, "I love you Phoebi.  In case the preachers tell you that you are not saved yet, please do not be disheartened. And please don't hate me because I translated your testimony word for word. I did not omit or add anything. If ever they say that you are, I am happy for you and we will rejoice with you! Tonight please have an open ear to hear what God needs you to hear.  Open your heart to God. I love you. And God loves you more!"
 
When she sent that to me, I thought maybe God did not save me because I haven't heard from Pastor Larry or anyone else.  Even when I was on the bus ride going to church, the thought lingered, that Pastor Larry confirmed the salvation of Aedrian and Chloe, but he did not mention me.  I felt hurt, especially when I heard they will give their testimony. I cried and thought to myself, Lord why not call me? Don't you want to save me too? Those thoughts were running through my head, until I got to the church and the service ended and Bro Claude left the pulpit, I was still thinking of myself. 
 
Bro Larry talked to me after the service, that's when I felt I really am not saved.  He told me something is lacking in my testimony. I only gave titles of the sermons, I did not include what God told me through the preaching.  He asked me if I want to add anything, but I can't think of anything else. Bro Larry told me that God talked to me and is still talking to me, it's only because I do not understand their language, and that I should not feel bad.
 
After that I felt more frustrated and disheartened, and I was asking God, "why did you not save me?" I thought maybe if I had studied early on and learned the English language I wouldn't have a hard time understanding what is being preached.  That night I lost all hope. It hurts so bad to be rejected by God, those were the thoughts running through my head. I escaped to the kitchen while I was looking at Aedrian and Chloe across the room, I see them very happy and all I hear was their laughter.  I did not notice they both approached me and asked me how I was doing. Of course I said "I'm okay, don't worry."  They hugged me and it's like Aedrian has a look of pity in his eyes. I told him not to stare at me like that because I'm about to cry all over again, so I smiled at them.  Deep inside it really hurts.  It's so hard to hide your emotions and pretend you are okay when in fact you are not.  
 
On our way home, Tito Emerson asked me what Bro Larry told me.  I told him I wasn't saved and I cried.  He was saying something about God, but my heart is closed off, I'm still hurting. I did not understand a word they said. (Tita Faith was also talking).  
 
July 22
Friday morning, when I woke up, I feel so burdened.  I still remember the night before. I felt rejected when the preachers told me I wasn't saved.  I got to work feeling bothered, I just slept there and I don't have the energy to work. I just want to go home.  I feel so sad. I have no one to talk to.  I feel so dumb/stupid that I can't even understand English. I felt so hurt I just cried. I was mad at God for making me feel this way. 
 
On my way to church that night, the rain poured out I can't catch the bus ride going to Sta Rosa. I was so furious! I was mad at God thinking He did not save me and now He's making it hard for me to go to church! What is your plan for me?? Because of the downpour, there was heavy traffic, I doubt I will be able to make it on time for the service.  But I did get to church before 7pm.
 
Bro Terry preached for nearly 3 hours. "The food on the table is words from God."  How would I understand those words through the man of God if I don't understand their language?  I remember one thing from what he preached that night. Don't think that God is not talking to you.  He is talking to you but you just don't understand.  I was struggling! It's so difficult. How can I be saved if I cannot understand the word of God?  How can I seat on the King's table and eat if I do not understand?
 
That night, some parts of the sermon was translated by Pastor Larry.  I don't remember the exact words, I couldn't even look at him, Pastor Larry was seated at the back.  I refuse to look because I was still struggling, trying to understand on my own.  I knew at that point I was being prideful.
 
July 23, Saturday
We cooked at Tita Alona's house. She asked me how I was doing and I just burst into tears, I still feel hurt.  Tita Faith and Chloe were also there.  I felt embarrassed and I knew there's still pride in me somehow. Tita Alona and Tita Faith told me that I need to humble myself and I need to ask our pastor if I have a question so I could understand better, and that he is the only one who can help me.  They also told me not to cry because God is so good to me.  God told the preachers that there is someone who cannot understand their language and it's not just me. There are many of us at Liberty who is having difficulty in understanding English.  God made a way to make Ptr Terry realize that we have a language barrier.  I couldn't hold it any longer, I just cried out.
 
July 24, Sunday
Pastor Claude preached on Acts 8:26-37
And he said, how can I accept this man should guide me? And he desired Philip that he would come up and sit with him. 
God told me that I need to open the door to let my pastor in my life because he's the only one who can help me, God sent him (Pastor Larry) to help us. 
 
Second sermon - Pastor Terry and Pastor Larry
I was surprised when Pastor Terry announced that Pastor Larry will translate the entire sermon. I somehow felt relieved I will be able to understand at least some words because Pastor Larry will speak in Filipino.
 
1 Cor. 14:13-20
Yet in the church I had rather speak five words with my understanding that by my voice I might teach others also, than ten thousand words in a unknown tongue.
 
That moment God showed me His love for me because he made a way through Pastor Terry and Pastor Larry to translate in Filipino for me to understand better.  God knows I'm struggling with the language barrier. That's how I knew God really loves me, He doesn't want me to be left behind.  God gave me hope. 
 
July 25, Monday 
I don't have work this Monday. While Tita Faith is cooking, I can't stop thinking about the initial testimony I've written, which I don't want anyone to read. I always make an excuse because I am embarrassed I didn't get saved. Tita told me there's nothing to be ashamed of. Despite some trepidation I sent my previously written testimony to Tita Faith and Ate Alona through email. 
 
Soon after, Tita Alona sent me a message. She told me "you have a beautiful testimony... you made me cry. I will continue to pray for you. I love you & I am sure God loves you like He loves me, Aedrian, Chloe and the rest of Liberty.  Based on your testimony, God knows and sees what's in your heart.  He just wants you to admit that you do not understand what is being preached... Notice that after you talked to Pastor Larry, God sent help!  It's amazing to witness the wisdom given to our pastors! I am still amazed how God works in the hearts of saved and lost person.  We really are in a good place!  If there's still anything you want to share, I will always be here for you. I love you!"
 
I couldn't help but cry. Truly God has been so good in my life. He knows what I need. I needed to hear and understand. I am amazed at what God has done. That's when I started to seek for God again. He slowly opened my mind and softened my heart.
 
That same day, while I was folding our clothes I was listening to music, the same one I heard at Ate Cathy's car, it's HELP ME FIND IT. I find the song beautiful and I ask God, please help me find You!
 
The lyrics I heard were: 
I'm giving you fear and you give faith
I'm giving you doubt, you give me grace
For every step I've never been alone
Even when it hurts, you'll have your way
Even in the valley I will say with every breath 
You've never let me go 
I will wait for you 
You've never failed before 
I will wait for you
 
I burst out crying. That was the moment I really understood the meaning of that song. Even when I hurt God, He is still there by my side, he's never let me go, He's still gracious to me. I cried out to God, "I am sorry I have been selfish and prideful. I didn't think of You when I did not get saved, I let anger consume me. I'm sorry God!"
 
That afternoon, Ate Cath picked us up going to church. When we got there, I felt nervous, a different kind of nervous I cannot explain.  Service started and Bro Claude said he will preach to the lost. I was ecstatic! I prayed and asked God to give me understanding .
 
 
Matthew 11:28
 
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
 
Bro Claude mentioned this many times. God is telling me, those who have burdens, just come to me, I will give you rest. That moment I knew the preaching was for me but I was having second thoughts if I should go to the altar or not. I felt shy/embarrased to draw near. I can't help but think of what others would think of me if I go to the front. However, I am more afraid that if I don't go to the altar, after this preaching nothing will happen to me again.
 
But God is so good, He said it again. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
 
I shut my eyes and said, "Lord I lift it all up to you!" I went to the altar and hugged God (through the speaker), I cried out for help! But then God held me and said I WILL GIVE YOU REST.  
 
The heaviness in my heart was lifted, I felt God comforted me. THANK YOU GOD! 
 
And not only that, God told me I belong to His table and He gave me rest. God loves me. I am no longer rejected, I can be with God and walk with Him in the light.